Not really a gift for everyone…

In the past couple years, without fail, news stations every Christmas discuss the rising trend of people giving gift cards as presents, along with the pros and cons of giving gift cards. They usually make the same arguments every year that you should be careful and and people still give them. Personally, I have a love-hate relationship with gift cards. I give gift cards as presents on holidays. It’s a fantastic present to get someone for whom you don’t know how to shop. If you know their favorite restaurant, or store, just give them a gift card and they can go spend it however they like. Of course, if you don’t know their favorite places, then you might want to ask or at least pay attention because that’s really what friends do, right? Imagine giving a co-worker a gift card to Home Depot, when they spend most of their time shopping at Yankee Candle. If you had been an observant friend, then you wouldn’t piss them off. Really, can you imagine someone giving you a gift card to a store you don’t shop at? It’s annoying.

Restaurants love gift cards. Well, let me be more specific: restaurant owners love gift cards. It’s automatic money. It’s basically saying “I’m going to MAKE my friend come to your restaurant and use this gift card, because I’ve already given you $50 (or $100).” The best thing about it is that when people have a $50 gift card, they’re more inclined to spend a little more money. We’ll see a pretty large influx of gift cards in the first three months of the year (if you don’t know why this is, think about it for a few minutes then read on – I’ll wait). I, along with every other waiter in the business, hate seeing gift cards. Why, you ask? Well, if I gave you a nice easy answer, this would be a short blog post and you wouldn’t get the full effect.

People giving gift cards to friends and family for holidays will often bring in the “wrong clientele” to our fine dining restaurant; someone who normally would never eat there because it’s so expensive. So, a gift card gives them an opportunity to dine at a restaurant that’s well above their budget. Generally, these riffraff are easy to spot because of the clothes they wear, their obvious lack of experience dining at a fine restaurant, and the usual deer-caught-in-headlights look they get when you try to explain the specials for the evening. Of course, this “holiday-benefiting” clientele will spend every dollar of that gift card and often no more. I’ve had a co-worker get a couple of this kind of clientele come in with a $100 gift card, order $98.90 worth of food and leave her the gift card on the table and walk out. I’m sorry, but this is completely unacceptable.

As I’ve said before, everything a waiter does is so that you tip more. We’ll upsell you a salad, dessert or coffee for the purpose of raising your ticket prices so that you’ll be inclined to tip more. The problem with the gift cards for us (and a good thing for you) is that it’s a huge deduction in what is charged to your credit card. Now, this is different if say, your gift card is $100 and you only spend $40. What that means is that when you go to sign your check and your original bill is $120 and you paid with a credit card and a $100 gift card, the only thing that will come back on your credit card slip is $20. Customers will often see that $20 on their credit card slip and think a four dollar tip is sufficient, but not when your bill was originally $120! Especially when we go through the extra effort of upselling you and taking extra care of you because your ticket was so high. Ultimately, we only received a four dollar tip on a $120 bill, which isn’t even CLOSE to being enough, especially with needing to tip-out the support staff. If you, as a customer come into a restaurant with a gift card, make sure that you pay attention to the original total of the bill before giving your tip. I know it might look strange to tip $24 when your credit card is only charged $20, but remember your original bill was $120 and we did $120 worth of work.

The worst atrocity of this kind of instance happened to a co-worker of mine a couple months ago and was one of the reasons he quit. He had a table of “wrong clientele” come in one night and order the most expensive items on the menu. Steak and Lobsters, mixed drinks, frozen margaritas, desserts, the whole nine yards. Between three people, their bill ended up being somewhere above $320. They were running my co-worker ragged, back and forth from the kitchen, etc. When he drops the bill, they give him four gift cards. They tell him that two of them are $100, and two are $50. He goes to the bartender to give her the gift cards to ring up, and one of the $50 gift cards is actually empty! He brings the check back, with $70 left to be paid. These people complained, calling my co-worker a liar saying that they knew the money was on the card, and even going to talk to the bartender themselves. Apparently, they explained that they had bought the $50 gift card from some thug on the street for $20. They continued to complain, and finally paid the $70 or so left on the ticket, and left a tip of a whopping SIX dollars. That’s SIX dollars on a $320 check. That’s a 1.8% tip.

So, they can be good for you, but remember, more often than not they’re bad for us. It’s just saddening that this happens a lot more than it should.

BLASPHEMY!!!!

There are some phrases that I absolutely LOVE to hear my customers say. Of course, I’m being very sarcastic. In fact, these couple phrases sink my heart to the very bottom when I hear them. So, here are a few:

“We’re going to be here for a while/We’re just visiting” – this usually means that my customers are knowingly going to be taking a long time at the table. So, a lunch that normally would be 30-45 minutes, they’re now going to be taking 2-3 hours, occupying my table and limiting my ability to turn the table for more customers.

“This steak is overcooked” – Of course, either the kitchen messed up or I accidentally entered the wrong temperature for the steak. The result of this is a complete do-over on the steak. This is much harder to hear than someone saying that the steak is undercooked. At least we can cook the same steak a bit more.

“What does gratuity mean?” – People who regularly eat out understand the meaning of this word as being a more proper name for “tip”. Only two reasons a customer would say this and neither of them are good: either they don’t understand the concept of tipping, or they’re illiterate.

“Which of these wines is your best White Zinfandel?” – I’ve already spoken of my abhorring of White Zinfandel, being that it’s basically alcoholic Kool-Aid. I generally laugh on the inside when I hear this question.

“I’ll have the Pasta Alfredo” - This one may not seem so bad…if you worked in an Italian restaurant. I do not. When someone orders this dish, it tells me two things: they aren’t interested in trying new things and they don’t eat out much. Restaurants put this dish on their menu because it’s “safe”. People know what this tastes like, so if they see big words on their menu that they don’t understand like “Bernaise”, they see “alfredo” and go “ooh! I know what that is!”

“Let me see your manager” – Pretty self-explainatory. 99% of the time, this is not a good thing to hear your customer say.

“I didn’t like it.” - Most often than not, this is actually followed by a self-pleasing chuckle by someone who thinks they’re being original and funny by handing me an empty plate and being blatantly sarcastic.  This joke is old. Please stop using it.

Please, feel free to add your own favorite phrases.

It’s My Menu! Not Yours, Mine! Get Your Own!

Every restaurant has a set menu. Well, 99% of them do. Even the restaurants in Los Angeles where you can bring your dog and let them sit on the chair with you have menus. Dogs have menus people. Dogs. Are you a dog? I hope so, because if you were a dog and you were reading this, that would be awesome. But seriously, a restaurant has a menu for reasons.

Generally the menu defines what the restaurant is all about. You can easily pick up any menu from any restaurant and immediately know what kind of restaurant it is without even stepping foot inside a building. See hamburgers, baked beans and chicken wings? It’s probably American-style, or pub. See fois gras, boeuf a la provencal, and sweetbreads, it’s probably going to be French. Every now and then you’ll get a blend of different style: a couple different things that the owner/chef knows how to make, or a hip new infusion-style restaurant. One of my favorite restaurants to visit when I’m in Chicago is this place called Avec. http://www.avecrestaurant.com/ It’s a bit of a Mediterranean-style place with different foods from Spain, Portugal, France and Italy. The type of menu they have, like everyone else’s, identifies to everyone what kind of restaurant it is.

To the trained eye, the menu will also tell what sorts of things the kitchen has in stock. The kitchen manager will generally order portions of food that the current menu needs. Most of the time any restaurant in a higher quality than your local McDonald’s will have specials that will run for anywhere from being a daily special, to a seasonal special lasting two-to-three months. The specials are a completely different monster of their own. On occasion the executive chef will decide to special order a certain kind of meat, cheese, or vegetable and make the special out of that. Whether or not that special is going to be successful is a different story. If it doesn’t go well, they’ll extend the special until that product runs out or goes bad. But, usually the special consists of produce that the kitchen already has in stock and wants to make something different.

But let me tell you, unless you don’t see an ingredient anywhere on the menu in other dishes, there’s a slim chance that the kitchen is going to have it in stock.

Now, what all this means is, ladies and gentlemen, order from the damn menu. If you go into a restaurant and complain that they don’t have buffalo wings when the sign read above you when you walked through the front door “Olive Garden”, you’re going to look pretty damn foolish.

Mmm… Tastes Like Week-Old Fish…

No, I’m not talking about a certain genitalia. I’ve been having a few more new readers pop up on the site, so I decided to do a look-back at the some of my favorite past posts  that the new readers might have missed.

It’s Restaurant Q&A Boys and Girls!

How to be Treated Like Restaurant Royalty.

Why Is It Rude To Want To Enjoy Your Night Out?

In The Restaurant, You’re Not As Special As You Think You Are.

Proper Tip Procedure.

Tales Of Restaurant Ignorance!

Happy Birthday! Now Here’s Your Cake. Choke On It.

I May Not Be Ethnic, But I Love Eating Like I Am.

Why Don’t Women Sit On Toilet Seats Like Men Do?

To-Go or Not To-Go; That is the Question

I hope you enjoyed the look back and the fond memories we had together over these past couple months. Love and kisses! Bleh.

Quit stealing my Goddamned pens!!

Seriously! We need those pens!

Does it say anywhere on the menu “Paneed fish with rice pilaf and your waiter’s pen“? No it doesn’t.

This is one of the little things that annoy me the most. All the restaurants that I have worked in have required me to carry three pens minimum for the purpose of handing them out to customers to sign credit card bills. So when customers take my pen, it makes it a nuisance to get my customer to sign a credit card bill, especially if there’s more than two tickets at the table. If you take my pen, I then have to go around and ask my co-workers to let me borrow a pen from them so I can give it to the customer. Hopefully, they won’t steal that one too!

This is especially the case when the waiter has special pens that they like. Personally, I love the click pens with the rollerball tip that leave a nice thick, flowing penstroke. It makes it easier for me to write down things in my chicken-scratch handwriting, as opposed to your 25 cent BIC pens. I’ve even see people bring colored pens or other fancy pens to their table so they can distinguish themselves. But, if those get stolen – I’ve seen one girl flip out because a customer took her specialty pen.

Even if you desperately need the pen, I don’t care. It’s mine, I need it too. So stop fucking stealing them!

There. Short and sweet.

What?!? You’re Broke?!

Okay, here’s the deal. Don’t go to a fine dining restaurant if you are broke mother fucker.

I mean, I understand that you’re a redneck and might work 80 hours a week at a job that pays you a measly wage just so you can pay the bills and put a roof over your family’s head, and on occasion you want to treat your gap-toothed lady-friend to a fine meal, but a 4-star restaurant is well-above your budget.

I had this guy come in the other night with his beastly-looking wife. I mean, her teeth looked like a Vietnamese jungle booby-trap. It was obvious that this couple were from the redneck suburb of my city. The guy wasn’t much of a Dapper Dan himself. He seemed to me like one of those guys that would wear one of those black shirts with red and orange flames on it. These people were very much out of place, although they were dressed to the nines – well, maybe dressed to the threes. It was kinda obvious that this girl was wearing a dress that she hadn’t seen since prom because it was a little too tight on her rotund-ish frame. However, this nice black dress showed off her faded Denver Broncos tattoo very well.

At first, I figured that they were probably going to be one of those cheap-ass tables that drink water, ordered no apps or dessert, but spend their extra pennies on the entrees because they were already too expensive. But to my surprise, they not only ordered an appetizer, they ordered two! Score! I was already preening myself thinking that my first impressions were wrong and I began to attend to these rednecks like they were high-rollers. To add to my surprise, the guy orders the most expensive thing on the menu, a steak & lobster combination that costs $66. Sixty-six dollars on a single entree! Score, again, maybe? “I wonder if this guy knows he just ordered a $66 entree. He didn’t ask me what the ‘market price’ was that the menu lists” I said to one of my co-workers back in the kitchen. I didn’t care. I was gonna get a nice fat tip off this table because it was already a $110 check. I’m thinking a $20 tip is coming my way. Even moreso when the Broncos fan ordered a glass of Riesling (by the way, this is the wine that ingorant wine-drinkers order at restaurants when they dont want to look like an ignorant wine-drinker when they order White Zinfandel because they know it’s a sweet, white, cold wine).

So, after it was all said and done, the bill ended up being $124. Nice. I dropped the bill with my usual “I’ll take care of this at your convenience”. I started to get uncomfortable when they started studying the bill with wide-eyes. Hell, I think I even saw the Bronco on the rotund-bride’s upper breast mouth the words “what the fuuuuuuck?” I saw that guy sifting through his wallet, which is never a good sign. He handed me the bill the next time I came back and they got up. Oh shit. I knew what was coming. I hurried back to the kitchen opened the book and counted the cash in the black plastic folds: $127. That broke-ass white-trash redneck left me a $3 tip on a $124 check. I was FURIOUS. After I did the math regarding the amount of money I’d have to tip my busser off of that check, I actually had to pay the restaurant $1.87 to wait on that table.

You see, there were three things wrong with this situation: one, he didn’t ask me about the price of the steak & lobster; two, he didn’t think the bill could possibly be over $120 so he didnt bring more than that; and three, he didn’t have a credit card.  I wonder what would have happened if they had ordered dessert and the bill was $130?

Later, I asked my manager what would happen to me if I saw that guy at his favorite hangout, Wal-Mart, and confronted him about being a cheap bastard. Unfortunately, she said I’d probably be fired if he complained, but oh well. The only thing that made me content was thinking about how big of a dent I had put in his checkbook and how many hours he’d have to spend at his mechanic shop to pay for that one meal.

You see, just down the street from my restaurant is an Applebee’s. This was probably a better choice for him and his personal linebacker, but because my restaurant is a “nice restaurant”, he wanted to treat her to a dress-up meal. Which is great and all, people do it all the time. The funny thing is that they stick out like a sore thumb. Usually they look around awkwardly, can’t pronounce words like “demiglace”, and generally just look like they’re trying too hard. The sad thing is that the waiter ends up suffering because these people generally don’t eat out, which is an indication that they don’t know how to tip. Getting a tip of $3 on a $124 check, or like my co-worker had once a $2 tip on a $98 check, can hurt us just as much as it hurts you. Any normal couple that comes into my restaurant would have left me $20-$24. That’s a wasted two hours of work if you go by an hourly wage.

There are still “nice restaurants’ that can fit your budget. Any average restaurant that the waiters wear a tie will do. You know, like, Olive Garden.

So, Where’s Your Paparazzi?

You know, they look a lot more average in person. Of course, I’m speaking of celebrities. Well, I could have been speaking of paintings or show dogs, but show dogs don’t have paparazzi.

I waited on my first big-time celebrity the other night. I had seen local TV personalities before, but they’re just regular people like you and me; not the big ballaz that everyone makes a big ho-hum stink about. This particular celeb falls into the special “Musical Reality TV Show” Celebrity category. You know, Rock Star Supernova, Nashville Star, American Idol kind of celebrity. Honestly, I had no idea who the hell he was until I talked to my mother who watched the show he was on. She flipped her shit when I told her who he was because apparently he’s from our town.

Anyway, this guy was a pretty nice fellow. Very down to earth, which made me wonder why we as a society put celebrities up on a pedestal. I suppose it’s because they’re on TV and somewhat “out of reach”. Perhaps he’s “that guy” that everyone knows but doesn’t REALLY know. I, myself, am a closet celeb-nut. Getting back to the topic at hand – our Average-Joe-Made-Big – it was also pretty damn surprising that such a big musical star would be with such an average looking girl. I mean hell, if I was a star, my arm-candy would be hand-picked and top notch. Oh well, I guess I’m just a bit judgmental.

My sister happens to wait tables as well, out in Malibu, California. Seeing celebrities is a regular thing for her: Sean Penn, Nick Lachey… She even swears that Sean William Scott is gay.

The one thing that I do know is that celebrities are just like everyone else when it comes to tipping: they’re unpredictable. I suppose we think that since they have tons of money, they’ll just drop a huge tip on the check, but if they’re personally cheapasses, then even with a lot of money they’ll still be a cheapass.

Oh, and I also learned from seeing a co-worker do this: they don’t like “the help” asking for autographs, and neither do your employers.

Short and Bittersweet

(To those that have read my past posts) I forgot to mention to you that my new fine dining restaurant offers free bread to tables….

….Fuck.

David Vs. Goliath: No Holds Barred Cage Match!

Sorry about not posting in a while regular readers, but I’ve just been busy. I’ve been thinking about the topic of comparing locally owned restaurants to corporately owned for a while, so I figured it was time to finally write it. With no further adieu…

LLLLLEEEET’S GET READY TO RUMMMMBLLLLLLE*!!!!

Round 1: Management

In a locally owned restaraunt (LOR), your employers are usually your managers. The guy you see walking around the restaurant barking orders is often the same guy who signs your paycheck at the end of the week. This can be a little intimidating, since at the drop of a hat he can decide to stop signing those paychecks and boot your sorry butt out the door. Also, most of the management have usually been at that location as long as the restaurant’s been open, or have had other experience with the current management elsewhere. This is usually a good thing because it breeds loyalty and it shows that the owners are inclined to promote from within rather than bringing in someone from the outside. Also, in most cases, LOR’s pay less to their management for various financial reasons and don’t offer benefits. In a corporate owned restaurant (COR), your employers are big-wigs in another city altogether sitting behind a desk determining whether or not your employment will increase their overall figures. Usually a COR hires outside management to run the restaurant or come in to replace management that leaves. Most often these new managers have degrees in the industry or business, and many years of experience, so it’s pretty uncommon to see a COR hire from within. On the flip side, COR’s generally pay a lot more than LOR’s. An assistant manager at a LOR might make $25,000 whereas the same job at a COR might make $34,000 and get full benefits.

As I am not a manager, I have to look at it from the employee standpoint. I actually prefer a more personable, direct management that I feel like I can relate to and possibly make a difference to the restaurant if the opportunity should arise. I like to know who I am working for, as I am a very loyal person. So, I have to give this round to: Locally Owned Restaurants.

Round 2: Money

LOR’s and COR’s both have their ups and downs in this category. As there are many LOR’s that are pretty crummy – dealing with maybe 40 tables all day in the restaurant – finding a high-paying LOR can be difficult. It’s possible to find them, but you’ll rarely find one in a town with a small population, or be able to work in one without years of experience. If you can find a LOR that has high-PPA (Per Person Average), the money can flow like a river of tears at a Detroit Lions game. A COR, however, you will find in just about every po-dunk town big enough to have a major interstate running through it. Try to drive through southern California and see if you can go an hour without seeing a Chili’s, Applebee’s, or Le Madeliene. The unfortunate side is that there are more CORs that deal with high-volume rather than high-PPA , which means you get crappier clientele. High-volume can equal good money though. Also, when it comes time to get your paycheck, because a COR usually has a detailed and highly-connected computer system, often enough they can pay you your credit card tips immediately before you leave at the end of the night. With a LOR, you generally have to wait a week or two to receive your paycheck with your credit card tips on it. Having cash in your pocket can be dangerous as it has a tendency to burn a hole in your pocket. But as we all know: a hole in your pocket usually means that balls are getting played with.

As I like to have cash at the end of the night, but I also enjoy receiving huge paychecks, I have to give this round to: A Tie.

Round Three: Stress

Working in a restaurant can be extremely stressful, no matter which kind you work at. There are always gimmicks going on, advertisements for free stuff, or restaurant protocols that you have to follow. Most protocols in LOR’s are developed by management and can be changed at the drop of a hat, whereas protocols in COR’s are across the board in every location and are rarely ever changed, unless some big sweeping event happens (like a woman vomiting up steak all over the bathroom). Often enough, if you have a problem with the way things are run in the restaurant, you won’t get very far in either kinds of restaurants, but a LOR is more inclined to listen to you, as you are a lot more important to them than you would be in a COR. In terms of stress, a COR have set rules on how you should approach a table. If you’re uncomfortable doing these things (singing and dancing, or writing your name on the table), then it can be pretty stressful and make you not want to work there. A LOR generally will let you greet tables however you want as long as you’re not rude.

Scheduling is usually easier in a COR as often the management is required to give you a two-week schedule or a set schedule, rather than leaving it up to a manager to hammer out a schedule every week in a LOR.

However, when it comes down to it, I hate singing and dancing, and I feel sorry for those folks who work in fake country restaurants like Lonestar and have to dance every time a certain song comes on, so I have to give the final round and match to: Locally Owned Restaurants.

Hallelujah, am I proud to work in a Locally Owned Restaurant, and so should you!

Post Edit: That ending was gay, so I decided to add a little more:

Just to add a bit more, you’re a lucky sonovabitch if you find yourself working at a Locally Owned Fine Dining Restaurant. It’s a fucking gold-mine, people. It’s the easiest job I’ve ever had and you dont have to wear skimpy orange shorts. Yeh, that was a call out, what of it?

Movin’ on up…. to the east side…

So, I finally quit at the now “old” restaurant – let’s call it “The Bistro”.

The reason I left this job was for probably the most important reason for any waiter to leave: money. A few months ago, I had been bartending most of the shifts I worked, making ample amount of money each week to pay my bills, feed myself, etc. Well, as of two months ago, the outside investors of the Bistro decided that they wanted to have “pretty girls” behind the bar instead of guys. So, they started to phase the two other guy bartenders and me out of the money-making bar shifts. Funny thing, though: those pretty girls are for the most part completely inept. Many times have I had to wait at least 5 minutes to get a beer or a mixed drink because they were flirting with a customer at the bar, while my customers are getting irritated.

Anyway, as I started losing my money-making shifts, they also started giving me busser shifts, making $7 an hour. To me, this was basically worthless. With all these changes to my schedule, I found myself having a hard time making ends meet.

Luckily, I knew a contact at a local fine dining restaurant, set up a meeting and got a job working for him. Going from the Bistro to the Fine Dining was a drastic change.

Most fine dining restaurants you’ll see have waiters that have been there for years – like, 10 or 20. That’s because they’re making a ton more money, enough to realize that it’s like working a regular, salaried job when it comes to cashing those paychecks. It makes a huge difference, I noticed, and here’s the reason why:

Of course it’s simple, the tickets are more expensive, so the tips are bigger. On the flip side, you end up having fewer tables because people tend to sit and enjoy their meal for longer periods of time. So, we’re talking tickets for two people over $100, which is almost unheard of in my previous jobs.

Getting a job in a fine dining restaurant is a helluva lot tougher than your average Chili’s, or even a Bistro. Most fine dining restaurants will only take waiters who have a ton of experience, a certain look, and a desire to be a long-term employee. Fitting those requirements can be difficult for 80% of the waiting workforce. Even if you have two or three years experience in the industry, a fine dining restaurant will often have you bussing tables for a few months, which is often unappealing. It’s understandable that you may not want to do that because you just came back from waiting tables. Bussing doesn’t sound like an option, I know, but sometimes you have to bite the bullet.

The other thing that is an interesting thing about working in a fine dining restaurant is the apparent emphasis on “seniority” or the theory that a person who’s been there longer deserves the better sections/shifts. I like this idea, except for the fact that I’m the new guy, and as they say “shit always rolls downhill”. So, I have to put in my time as the new guy, get shit on from time to time, but eventually I’ll come out smelling like a rose that somebody gave me on my birthday death bed. Oh, and making the fine dining dough.
Cheers!